Meandering in Mazy Motion

Lesley's Post

Recently I watched a movie on the life of Diane Vreeland and loved the way she lived with an amazing intensity and had a career during which she was extraordinarily creative. She worked very hard but at the same time pushed the boundaries of the possible and clearly thought and behaved "outside the box".

Now I don't imagine that I can be like this one of a kind person, and I don't actually want to because I am aware that everything has it's downside and dark side. But in the wake of seeing the movie I went to a store owned by a friend and "unconsciously" bought a hot pink shapely outfit, quite unlike something I would usually purchase. It felt like I was exploring an "out of the box" part of myself in just a very small way. It seemed as if I had wandered into a little bit of wildness.      

The Poem "Kubla Khan" is a favorite of mine and I especially love the line,
                  "Five miles meandering in a mazy motion".
According to the dictionary the word "meander" means to take a winding or indirect course; wander aimlessly; ramble. "Mazy" means full of confusing turns, passages; like a maze.

Throughout most of my life I have developed goals and plans that have guided my life and when Plan A did not work, then I would develop Plan B or C until I found a way through the difficulty or crisis. It has been the opposite of "meandering in mazy motion" or living in the wildness and yet for the most part it has worked. After much education, I have had a meaningful career as a psychologist, mostly in private practice, planned wonderful vacations, for myself and others, and had a well organized home life. It has been good and I feel very blessed.

Now in my sixties and entering the retirement years, I feel drawn to live somewhat differently with less goal direction and outcomes and more meandering and enjoying the process. It is proving to be a challenge. It is hard to stand in the face of the dark side of being a planner, the guilt and the "shoulds" that can raise their ugly heads when I am not busy with some productive, goal directed behavior.

But I am determined to join the "Wanderers" of this world who journey to explore the unknown regions of the landscape, both internally and externally, where the wildness of us still remains waiting for us to arrive. And I hope that Carol Pearson is right in her book "The Hero Within" when she writes in the chapter "The Wanderer", "Indeed, the Wanderer ultimately teaches us to be ourselves - to be fully true to ourselves in every moment." When I ask myself "What do I deeply desire?", it is just that - to know my true self and be that in every moment. 

So, I hereby commit to meandering in mazy motion, wandering and rambling through my life, freeing myself to discover all I can about my internal and external landscape. And I trust that there is a way to be both pleasantly organized with plans and wander merrily into the wildness.