WAITING

Lesley's Blog

The week before last I was referred for an MRI after an abnormality was observed on a mammogram. I knew that I was in for one of those times of waiting and we all know how difficult that can be. There is always a choice as to how we deal with everything in our lives, good and not so good. With the good we can embrace it, be grateful for it but not get attached to its continuation because if we know anything about life it is that nothing stays the same. Or we can fear that it will be taken away and so can't enjoy it. And then there is the idea that good things are always followed by bad events, leading us to focus on what might come rather than the moment of what is.

For the seemingly not so good moments and events, it is important to honor what we feel and how we are reacting but to not get lost in it all. Not so good things cause anxiety, fear, anger and all manner of other disruptive emotions and we can allow ourselves to be paralysed and overwhelmed. Or we can observe, acknowledge, and then seek comfort and support from ourselves and others. And for those many times when we do get caught up in our own messy reactions, allowing ourselves to be alright with our mess is really important. This is no time for shame, blame, guilt or self criticism.

Most of us are action oriented and feel better when we are doing something about whatever is upsetting us. Action and a plan give us a sense of control and help us bind our feelings so they are not so overwhelming. So what do we do about the waiting, when we can't act or make a plan and if we did it would be entirely premature?

So, what did I do, apart from feel anxious? I called friends to let them know what was going on and to find out what to expect from the MRI procedure. It helped, as did the self talk to not get ahead of myself. When the anxiety increased, I would try to remind myself to take it one moment at a time and that I could do nothing except understand I was just collecting information and reaching out for support. 

The MRI procedure was easy but the next day I received a call that I needed to set an appointment for a biopsy. Now I was faced with another time of waiting. I did some of the same things, talked with friends and asked specifics about the procedure. My husband was wonderfully supportive and reminded me over and over that whatever happened we would face it together and we would expect the best and plan for the worst. So, I asked friends who had faced cancer about surgeons and oncologists, just in case. And during the waiting I kept busy. An idle mind can get up to all sorts of tricks.

Times of waiting during those not so good times, though they bring lots of difficult feelings, can also be times when we look for the blessings, and in my experience both personally and as a therapist, there is usually some "silver lining". 

What were my blessings? I was reminded yet again how wonderful my friends and loved ones are, especially my sister. They have loved me, prayed for me, given me great ideas and reassured me that they would be there for whatever I needed. It doesn't get any better than that. And I was reminded again that Eric is there for me, taking me to appointments, listening to my concerns, letting me be anxious and so much more. One of the great things about being a therapist is that everything that happens has the potential to deepen my understanding, empathy and compassion. And hopefully I know a little bit more now about a piece of life's experience that will help me in my work with others.

The biopsy was another easy process but I left sensing that all was not well. The next day, the radiologist called me and told me he was not sure that he had biopsied the right place and wanted to do more testing including, possibly another biopsy. So, I am waiting again. Today, in this moment, I feel fine but have no idea how I will feel in other moments. But I do believe that I will be able to cope with whatever answers I receive, with help from Eric, family and friends, and a wonderful health care system. And, as important, is that I maintain, at least most of the time, a positive attitude and be on the lookout for blessings and silver linings.