A New Year

Eric's Blog

A New Year

 

Unblemished by

Petty grievances

Unencumbered by

Minor frustrations

A New Year begins.

 

Let it begin

With a renewal of spirit

An attraction to joy

And an expression of love.

(Bridging to the new)

 

Happy New Year. Let us find ways to begin this year with positive attitudes, a vibrant spirit and compassion for ourselves and others.

 



 (Vibrancy and Joy)

 

Peace and Joy at this time of New Birth

Lesley's Blog

It's Christmas soon and we have finished the Christmas cards and letters, sent the presents (mostly cash) and are now waiting but in a different way than the waiting I spoke of in my last blog. The final result at the end of that  waiting, after a second MRI and several biopsies was that the mass was benign. The relief was huge and Thanksgiving in St. Martin was filled with much gratitude.

So what about this waiting for the New Birth of Christmas to come? T.S.Elliot opens his poem "Journey of the Magi" with the lines "A hard time we had of it, the worst time of the year for a journey and such a long journey" and any woman who has given birth without the assistance of modern pain medication knows that giving birth is also a very hard time. But once it is all over and the birth has arrived, the pain and agony fade. The wise men had a hard journey as they responded to a call to travel to see a special birth and  
Mary gave birth in a drafty stable without any pain relief and in that era, the infant mortality rate was probably quite high. And yet the waiting and the agony was all worth it. And so it is with us if we can hang in there and see it through. The stories reassure us that New Birth will come but it is not simple and often entirely different than we imagined. Meanwhile, we wait and live each day with as much joy as we can, knowing the call that we are following will be answered in an, as yet, unknown way. 

But the New Birth is not the definitive moment, for in our lives we die and are reborn over and over. There are times when it seems relatively calm and we can enjoy the fruits of the Birth without too much of the Death interfering. Then there are those other times when the Birth seems very elusive and the Death is all around us. It is at these times particulary when we can remember about Christmas and open ourselves to a modicum of hope, peace and joy.

Merry Christmas.    

Retirement

Eric's Blog

RETIREMENT

 

I remember

When I would sleep

Eight hours uninterrupted

 

I remember

When I would work ten hours

And then go out to play

 

When I was younger

Some things were easier

But I don't want to

Go back

 

Retirement brings new joy

No-one pushes or pulls me

I am in charge of my time

 

Time to play

Time to garden

Time to walk the dogs

Time to enjoy

 

Joy in the moments

Took many years

To evolve

In retirement

(Eric, on the right, at the Tiger ball game in Detroit)
  

Sometimes I yearn for my earlier years when I had more energy and physical things were easier to accomplish. Looking back I yearn for those times when I slept easily and seemed to accomplish things with greater ease and grace.

 

 (Salmon fishing on Vancouver Island)

 

Yet in all honesty, retirement has been wonderful. I am less rushed, less pushed and pulled by others: more in control of my own life and schedule. There is more time to play, to read, to garden and just relax. I like being retired. 

WAITING

Lesley's Blog

The week before last I was referred for an MRI after an abnormality was observed on a mammogram. I knew that I was in for one of those times of waiting and we all know how difficult that can be. There is always a choice as to how we deal with everything in our lives, good and not so good. With the good we can embrace it, be grateful for it but not get attached to its continuation because if we know anything about life it is that nothing stays the same. Or we can fear that it will be taken away and so can't enjoy it. And then there is the idea that good things are always followed by bad events, leading us to focus on what might come rather than the moment of what is.

For the seemingly not so good moments and events, it is important to honor what we feel and how we are reacting but to not get lost in it all. Not so good things cause anxiety, fear, anger and all manner of other disruptive emotions and we can allow ourselves to be paralysed and overwhelmed. Or we can observe, acknowledge, and then seek comfort and support from ourselves and others. And for those many times when we do get caught up in our own messy reactions, allowing ourselves to be alright with our mess is really important. This is no time for shame, blame, guilt or self criticism.

Most of us are action oriented and feel better when we are doing something about whatever is upsetting us. Action and a plan give us a sense of control and help us bind our feelings so they are not so overwhelming. So what do we do about the waiting, when we can't act or make a plan and if we did it would be entirely premature?

So, what did I do, apart from feel anxious? I called friends to let them know what was going on and to find out what to expect from the MRI procedure. It helped, as did the self talk to not get ahead of myself. When the anxiety increased, I would try to remind myself to take it one moment at a time and that I could do nothing except understand I was just collecting information and reaching out for support. 

The MRI procedure was easy but the next day I received a call that I needed to set an appointment for a biopsy. Now I was faced with another time of waiting. I did some of the same things, talked with friends and asked specifics about the procedure. My husband was wonderfully supportive and reminded me over and over that whatever happened we would face it together and we would expect the best and plan for the worst. So, I asked friends who had faced cancer about surgeons and oncologists, just in case. And during the waiting I kept busy. An idle mind can get up to all sorts of tricks.

Times of waiting during those not so good times, though they bring lots of difficult feelings, can also be times when we look for the blessings, and in my experience both personally and as a therapist, there is usually some "silver lining". 

What were my blessings? I was reminded yet again how wonderful my friends and loved ones are, especially my sister. They have loved me, prayed for me, given me great ideas and reassured me that they would be there for whatever I needed. It doesn't get any better than that. And I was reminded again that Eric is there for me, taking me to appointments, listening to my concerns, letting me be anxious and so much more. One of the great things about being a therapist is that everything that happens has the potential to deepen my understanding, empathy and compassion. And hopefully I know a little bit more now about a piece of life's experience that will help me in my work with others.

The biopsy was another easy process but I left sensing that all was not well. The next day, the radiologist called me and told me he was not sure that he had biopsied the right place and wanted to do more testing including, possibly another biopsy. So, I am waiting again. Today, in this moment, I feel fine but have no idea how I will feel in other moments. But I do believe that I will be able to cope with whatever answers I receive, with help from Eric, family and friends, and a wonderful health care system. And, as important, is that I maintain, at least most of the time, a positive attitude and be on the lookout for blessings and silver linings.                  

Precious Moments

Eric's Blog

Precious Moments

 

Capturing the

Splendor of the roses

As they bloom

With joyous vitality

 

Gazing at the pond

With its water reflecting the sun

And the ducks meandering

Effortlessly on the surface

 

Focusing on the joy and excitement

My collies show

As they wag their tails with anticipation

Just before I take them for a walk

 

 

Precious moments are there when we take the time to notice them. They add a depth and beauty to our lives and joy in living. The joy helps us to become more resilient when we need to cope with more difficult times.

 

Take the time to enjoy those precious moments and share them with others. 

Obedience

Lesley's Blog

Our four year old dog, Merlin, recently graduated from Basic Obedience class at K9 University. He did quite well, but it really only took dog and owner to be breathing for them to receive a certificate. Now I am doing Intermediate Obedience with both Chanel, now age 9, and Merlin and for this class we have to actually perform to an appropriate level in order to graduate. Although I am thoroughly enjoying myself, I am not sure the dogs feel the same. Chanel in particular almost rolls her eyes at the whole process and clearly is telling me that she is simply too old for all of this and would much prefer to be snoozing on the couch. Her response to the command to "come" is followed by a slow meandering motion roughly in my direction but she has no intention of arriving any time soon. Meanwhile, if there are any distractions, Merlin and I are toast!! Not discouraged, I have signed Chanel up for the Advanced class, although I have not told her yet.



(Merlin, obediently sitting)

 

Now, why I am blogging about the dogs, other than they are such a joy? Going to these classes has led me to think about what obedience means. The root of the word "obey" is "listen" or "hear" and it seems to me that has nothing to do with the assertion of one person's will over another. 

 The wonderful thing about training the dogs is it is obvious that I have to have a good relationship with them in order to even begin to have a chance that they will obey me in the long term. And I have to make sure that they hear and listen to me. That means I have to ensure that I have their attention and that I make myself clear. I have to do most of the "work" if someone is going to obey me. 

Once we are adults the situations under which we need to "obey" others are very different than when we are children and most of those situations are about safety. If we are in circumstances where our own life and the lives of others are being threatened then often we need to obey an authority in order to minimize a potential disaster. Also, if we have chosen to be in a job in which safety is an issue, like the armed forces, the police, the fire department etc., it is very important that we obey the rules.

Note, though, that I have used the word "chosen" with regards to jobs because we all have choices about the jobs we do. If we don't want to "obey" the system we can choose to leave it, although we are usually well advised to have another job lined up before we do. It is not a good idea to leave things so long that we feel we can't stand it any longer and simply bolt. 

So, beyond safety, what does obedience mean as an adult? I believe it means to listen to and hear ourself. And then you might ask - what does that mean? During our childhood we listen to others and develop belief systems, ideas and ways of behaving that have been told to, and modeled for, us.

As we mature it is important that we question those beliefs, ideas and behavior patterns that we have learned from others, not from a place of rebellion but with questions such as, "Is that true?", "Are there other ways of looking at or thinking about that and what are they?", "What do I really think and know for myself?", "Have I examined the facts and looked at where my beliefs, ideas and behaviors really come from?", "Do the internal voices which I adhere to really come from me or are they voices that come from others; my mother, my father, my teachers etc.?".

When we ask the questions and earnestly seek the answer, then we are beginning the process of self obedience, of being willing to listen to and hear ourself. Obedience is not about others but about being obedient to ourself after self examination from a place of extreme honestly. It is all a difficult and demanding process but well worth it. Being obedient to ourselves is about real freedom, when we are free from the unquestioned influences of others and are instead true to ourselves. 

If I want to be obedient I need to have a good relationship to myself so that I can listen to and hear my internal process. And just like with the dogs, I have to get my attention and not allow myself to get lost in a myriad of distractions. Then I have to be clear, honest and kind with my directions to myself.

(Chanel, sitting pretty!)   

Meanwhile, I hope the dogs don't decide that being true to themselves means that they are not going to do the obedience training!!   

Living Well

Eric's Post

Living Well

 

Loving you

Means accepting who you are

Respecting you

Caring about you

 

Loving me

Means accepting me as I am

Respecting me

Caring about me

 

Loving you and loving me

Is living well

(Roses - difficult to nurture into full beauty but worth all the effort)

 

Loving you and me simultaneously can be a tricky business. Sensitivity to your needs without sensitivity to my own needs or limitations can make it difficult. Similarly the reverse is true.

 

It takes conscious awareness  of both you and me to pull it off. More than that it takes practice: practicing what acceptance of what you and I means, practicing considering both of us when I am making decisions or considering actions. We are easily pulled off this path when we become ultra-sensitive to others or myopic in considering the needs of others.

 

Loving you and me takes practice and conscious determination, but the results are worth it ...... living well.