After the Crisis is Over

Lesley's Post

The devastating tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, has been responded to in wonderful and amazing ways by first responders, volunteers, donations of needed supplies and money. People from all over the country have found ways to send support and help and we are full of gratitude.

We all know how generous people can be with their time and energy when a crisis occurs, whether it is a major disaster, an illness, an accident, a painful death or a myriad of other events that cause us suffering in our lives. But we also have probably experienced that help and support can slowly decline over time, if the crisis becomes a long term or chronic difficulty.

So, what happens when the "storm" is over but the suffering continues? Are there ways to ensure that we either receive or give needed support even when the initial crisis phase is over?

Often at first we are so overwhelmed by the suffering we are experiencing that we can't think very clearly and can need basic survival assistance. But once our minds clear some and basic needs have been met, we might think carefully about what are needs
really are and making specific requests, rather than simply accepting what is offered. We can let people know when we have the help we need for now but would like to contact them later with specific requests that they can choose to assist us with. We can make a list of things we need and ask people what, if anything, they would like to help us with so that people get to do what they enjoy and feel effective at. And we can ask others to help us link with appropriate agencies, be they state, federal or non profit organizations, including spiritual communities, so we are not totally dependent on the goodwill of family and friends over the weeks, months or years that can exhaust others as well as ourselves.

Most important is to develop an openness to how assistance will come to us so that with grace and dignity we make it as easy as possible for others to help us. Expectations and rigidity of thinking will be our worst enemy resulting in anger and resentment from all sides.

As caregivers, pacing and self awareness are crucial aspects of being there for the long haul. We need to know, before we are exhausted, when to say no and take a rest, and as importantly to be able to do that without burdening ourselves with feelings of guilt. When we have reached a limit for that moment we need to ask others to step up to the plate and get professional help if necessary.

Guilt is a huge issue for many caregivers, especially if family members are involved. It is easy to allow ourselves to be consumed with guilt when we feel we are not doing enough or we are told in a variety of ways that more is expected. We so want to fix things and make things better but usually that is impossible and the ensuing frustration does not improve matters. One of the crucial aspects of self awareness is to know when, for a number of internal and external reasons, we cannot do what we thought we could and need to set boundaries on what we can and cannot do in the future. That can include allowing ourselves to release ourselves from further care giving without guilt and with a recognition that what we have done is good enough.

We are a very action oriented, goal directed society and at times we forget that people crave emotional as well as physical support. It might be more important to grab a carry-out as a meal instead of spending time cooking food to take to someone so we can spend the saved precious time listening to concerns and sharing laughter, if possible and appropriate. Maybe we can hire a handyman to do small household tasks so that we can spend our time in conversation and offering emotional support instead of doing household chores. Our loved ones are probably more likely to remember moments we shared with them rather than the number of light bulbs we changed.

Cloistered nuns and monks believe that not all help is physical or emotional and they choose to spend hours in prayer for others. If you have a spiritual life, prayer can be as valid a form of assistance as physical and emotional support, if it is sustained over the necessary time frame.

It can be such joy to help and support others and, if we allow our hearts to be humble, it can be joyful to be cared for in our times of need. As caregivers it is imperative to take care of yourself with as much love and commitment as you take care of others. And if we are on the receiving end of care giving it is important for us to find ways to give back so that we continue to have meaning in our lives. We can give back by being loving, kind and understanding of the needs of the caregiver, by being grateful and not demanding and being gracious in how we receive the help that is offered. And, if at all possible, we can go the extra mile and tell our caregivers to take a break and work out with them how to get the needed care in the meantime. When others know we are thinking of them even as they are thinking of us, then the reciprocity allows all involved to go beyond anything they would have imagined was possible.